someone threw a dead crab at me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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