I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
