Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
True strength comes from lack of pants
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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