there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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