He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
