Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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