it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
