I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
