After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
