I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
