remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
