alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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