Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
