I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
