Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
