fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
