tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
