did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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