dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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