I didn't shave. On purpose
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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