the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
