I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
