Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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