i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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