So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My pussy is not your playground.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
