i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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