cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
