So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think your dad took our porno
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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