I heard we made out
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
