I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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