He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
