I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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