I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
