Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This is my life. Enjoy the view
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
