I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
