Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
