seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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