as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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