I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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