I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
