That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
