why didn't you poke me back
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
