she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
