Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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