i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
