I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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