How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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