You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
