Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
