Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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