no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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