When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
