i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
