dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
