A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have already put on my inside pants.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
try to milk me bitch
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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