Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
