I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
